Update; Self Love, Can you hear me?

If you are reading this, thank you for joining and listening to me today.

I wanted to start this blog in the hopes that the things that I have learned and the struggles that I have had can help someone else.

When I have read self help articles, books, there was a point where I would disconnect, it didn’t make sense to me or it wasn’t applicable, or there wasn’t an actual tool I could use. Have you ever felt like that? Like great, thanks, everything you’ve said feels pretty generic and I don’t feel like I have received enough information that I can apply to my situation. So, I hope if you are reading this, that the information I have given through out this blog has helped you.

On this day, I wanted to share some of the changes I noticed recently along my recovery journey.

1st – I recently got a dog. Her name is Bella and she is the sweetest pup going around. She is a rescue dog and if you have food she will be your best friend forever.

2nd – I have been doing the daily affirmation challenge and I feel like I am getting somewhere with it. I have recently added one more to my list; I am worth receiving love. What I mean by love is not just a romantic relationship, but friendship and family and most importantly loving myself.

The most amazing thing happened the other day and it was something I was not expecting.
I went outside, and I smelt flowers and warmth and the pavement just wet from rain. I heard birds singing.

In that moment I realized, I felt like I was experiencing life again. I also realized, how much depression, self hating and anxiety had desensitized me from the world. I remember being on vacation July last year. It was a cruise and I remember my anticipation of just smelling the ocean air, being on an island. When I got on the island, looking out into the ocean halfway in the water, I didn’t smell a thing, no ocean brine smell, no island coconut, no sunscreen. I couldn’t understand why.

What I realize now, is that at the time, I had programmed myself that I didn’t deserve anything anymore.

The joys of the world, the things I enjoyed, I had subconsciously put on the hand brake. Angelica is no longer allowed to enjoy life.

Why did I do this?

Between my fathers passing, my ex boyfriend breaking up with me, the things I started to list in my head that I did wrong, I no longer wanted to be a part of this world, so therefore, the world was no longer accessible to me.

But over the last couple of weeks, things have been changing. I’ve been changing. In trying to forgive myself, I have been learning to try and love myself.

I didn’t realize how long I have hated myself.

Part of the self-worth blog post comes from the realization of the things I have craved through out my life. The treatments that I have accepted from other people were poor because I allowed it, because I believed that my value had to be validated and given from others.

When I did not get the validation, love, services, affirmation from others, I truly thought its because I had not proven myself worthy of it. The love that was being given was a reflection of what I deserved.

When my ex boyfriend broke up with me, as upset as I was, I thought I deserved it. I deserved to be broken up with. I was lucky to be with him and him breaking up with me was inevitable. I wasn’t worth love and I was lucky to even have a relationship.

What I know now is that I am worthy and deserving of receiving love.

What others give me, is not a reflection of my worth. What I accept however, is a reflection of my worth.

And I am putting my foot down, I deserve better because I am worth it.

Once I realized that, I felt happier, like a 15% increase in happiness better. I went to work happier, I carried on conversations happier.

Along with my other affirmations; I make a difference and I can’t make everyone happy; Its like there is a weight off my shoulders and I feel liberated in a way that I didn’t even know I had debilitated myself.

I have to say having a dog is also helping me realize to not take things too personally.

So before I get too long with the post, I hope that by reading this post, maybe you’ll have an ah ha! that makes sense! I got it! Wow, have I been doing the same thing to me? Maybe this post will get you to the place you need to be, the place you deserve and worthy of being in. Maybe this will help you see the light from the hole you have put yourself in. Maybe you need that external permission to love yourself and to treat yourself the way you deserve.

Dear Reader; You are worthy of love. You are worthy of your own self love!

I hope everyone is having a great weekend and go do something for you! Go smell the flowers, go smell the rain!

Take time for yourself, you’re worth it 🙂

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